my heart

It is not something my mind knows, but something my heart knows, and drags my mind into in utter confusion, something my heart drags my mind into for rest, for peace….this center of my desire, this sadness that I see in the eyes of everyone I’ve loved, everything I’ve ever loved every joy in my life, at the very center is this pain, this wound, this emotion, this depth, not of despair, but the lifeforce of my beating heart, this strong strong sadness and yearning to comfort and be close…..what is it…..I heard it in Depeche mode’s song, “enjoy the silence,” I felt it in the presence of a new friend, I think of it when I think of all my ex girlfriends and girls I wish were ex girlfriends, when I think of Grandpa, when I think of Mom and Dad, I felt it day in and day out towards a crush in elementary school, labeling it as love, yearning, because she looked like me but was a girl…..it is the strongest feeling I ever feel, it defines me, and I wait for it and wait on it day in and day out…I beg to know what it is and let go of everything, work myself ragged, then give up the fruit of my labor, there is nothing else…what is it? Do I want to know, or do I just let myself feel it now and again, when the stars align, and let time and life reveal itself to me or not?

It is the feeling I have found in certain music that has touched me,…..that desire to be together….Yoga….

It is homesickness, the desire to smell the grass of home, but also the feeling that smelling the grass actually brings, the homesickness I felt even while at home, even with the closest people in my life…..I desire to be close, so I can feel that sweet bitter desire of actually being close, that tragic sadness that I tried to tell someone once was my love for her – described in a Spanish piece of music I played once – the work of love, living in this pain, loving it, healing it for each other and being home….there is nothing I desire more, and I would give everything for it….

oh god how I miss her, how I miss her, how I miss all of my loves….and that can never change, for there is nothing more precious…..is this why I pushed myself away from her, because I was about to get over that hump, about to enter something new, to get past this melancholy and I just would not have it, could not, I loved this feeling too much, and sank into it until it was all I knew, and I felt pain greater than I could possibly believe I could feel, and survived…it is still there though, deep inside, and I both fear and love it.

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